In September 2009, I was tired of not being able to be the mother that I should be to my son. Not being able to understand his nightmares and tell him that bogeymen don`t live in closets or under beds or that he shouldn‘t talk to strangers. My son was three years old and he could not tell me what he was crying about, where the booboo hurt nor did he understand the concept of danger. My role as a mother is to protect my son and teach him how to protect himself, and there was this unknown reason why I couldn’t do that. I had to find out what it was. So, I made an appointment with my son`s pediatricen but this time with no kids. My son wasn’t sick, but I needed a professional’s opinion. After hearing what I had to say, he gave me a few phone numbers to try and see if I could maybe put Liam`s name on a waiting list for an evaluation. After many refusals and numbers that weren’t in service anymore, I finally got his name on a list. One clinic out of 8.… hmmm. I was told the wait would be three months. I got the call in may 2010 for his first appointment with a speech therapist. The appointment lasted an hour and after she let Liam play in the exam room so she and I could talk without interruption. She then spoke the words that would change our family forever. The big bad monster that was keeping me from being the mother I wanted to be had a name. “T.E.D.”. Now that term only means that my son has a development problem and to know to what extent we must go to the children`s hospital for further evaluations. After hearing the news, I cried. That was the only moment I allowed myself to cry during an appointment. I couldn’t keep it in anymore because I finally had the confirmation that my instincts were right. My child had something and someone was finally listening to me. It was at that moment that I got my first layer. Our name got put on another waiting list and in November 2010 we meet three different doctors who studied his case and conclude that my son is without a doubt autistic. Funny, but not a single tear was shed. I couldn’t cry because I had to stay focused to fully comprehend what we were dealing with and what we had to do next. What was this doing to my son, was any of it permanent, who did we have to call, what does this mean for his future… it was all very overwhelming, but I had to stay focused. So I created another layer and decided that I would deal with the emotions of it all when I could. Clinics, hospitals, leg braces, etc… and you know what, life just kept on going for everyone. Here is not the place to describe all the things that have happened around me in the last two years, but let’s just say that I had many occasions where I had to rely on my layers to be able to move forward. But as time went by, I was able to find my moments to slowly peel away those layers. In my car after I brought my boys to daycare on my way to work, after hanging up the phone with a friend, in the shower, whenever I had a little moment when I could live my emotions, I took it. Now I can say that two years later I am layer free.
The question that I got asked many times in the last year was “How do you deal with all of this?” and I always answered “ I just do, I don’t have a choice”. But the real answer is “ I dealt with it one layer at a time”.
